The Funny Bible

>stupid/nonsensical bible verses
page 1 verse 1 to the end of any bible or religious document.

Well, ok, but specifics for the lulz?

2 No one born of a forbidden marriage or one of illegitimate birth nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, not even in the tenth generation.

Deuteronomy 23:2 NIV

I am literally just quoting it. It's not my fault that it's hilarious and nonsensical. And everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.

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The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword: their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.

Hosea 13:16 NIV

The problem with most christians today: They haven't read most of the book they so blindly follow.

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9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

Leviticus 20:9 KJV

agreed with top

But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her father's house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21 NAB

Unless I'm mistaken, that is similar to Romes (I think) long standing tradition, hanging the bed sheets off the balcony after a night of sex to show their newlywed wife's "virginity blood" and that he had sex with her.

Not sure, it's stupid so it's probably a religious tradition.

Speaking of islam traditions, the way they tell if a wife has been unfaithful (current day), is to heat a frying pan ultra hot and have her lick it 3 times in a row, if her tongue doesn't blister, she is innocent, if not, out come the stones.

As a side note, I love how "Thou shall not kill" is part of christian life, but yet that way to solve problems in the bible is to kill it with stones.

Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children.

Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT


I'm just tired of hearing from people who only know the side of the bibley they heard in church. Most Atheists are educated Ex-christians.

LMFAO I LOVE THIS THREAD<3.
I will contribute when I find something ;)

what do you do look through the bible for verses ಠ_ಠ

Try reading the bibley. They're everywhere.

Though Deuteronomy and Leviticus are particularly fun reads.

"If there be found among you ... man or woman, that ... hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them ... Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman ... and shalt stone them with stones, till they die."
Deuteronomy 17:2-7 (NASB)

What this means:
Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.

Who knew?

*with stones.

Seriously, update the bible christians, make it with a blade or a gun, hell, kill people with a grenade.

If killing people with rocks is alright, then I need more rocks.

And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.
Matthew 23:9 NIV

Dirty sinners. SHAME!!

Rofl have you read any of the quotes? They're hilarious.

Yes yes, the bible is full of contradictions. It proves that it ISN'T an infallible factual document, and people shouldn't follow it blindly, because it was, in fact, written by men and men are fallible and imperfect. It holds all the signs of a legend passed down through oral tradition and then finally recorded, because as time goes on, and you get into the later books of the Bibley, there is more embellishment.

A FAR from Complete List of Simple Contradictions found in the Bibley

The infant Christ was taken into Egypt
Matt 2:14,15,19,21,23
The infant Christ was not taken into Egypt
Luke 2:22, 39

Christ was tempted in the wilderness
Mark 1:12,13
Christ was not tempted in the wilderness
John 2:1,2

Christ preached his first sermon on the mount
Matt 5:1,2
Christ preached his first sermon on the plain
Luke 6:17,20

John was in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
Mark 1:14
John was not in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
John 1:43/ John 3:22-24

Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with a staff and sandals
Mark 6:8,9
Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with neither staffs nor sandals.
Matt 10:9,10

A woman of Canaan besought Jesus
Matt 15:22
It was a Greek woman who besought Him
Mark 7:26

Two blind men besought Jesus
Matt 20:30
Only one blind man besought Him
Luke 18:35,38

The two thieves reviled Christ.
Matt 27:44/ Mark 15:32
Only one of the thieves reviled Christ
Luke 23:39,40

Satan entered into Judas while at supper
John 13:27
Satan entered into him before the supper
Luke 22:3,4,7

Judas committed suicide by hanging
Matt 27:5
Judas did not hang himself, but died another way
Acts 1:18

The potter's field was purchased by Judas
Acts 1:18
The potter's field was purchased by the Chief Priests
Matt 27:6,7

There was but one woman who came to the sepulchre
John 20:1
There were two women who came to the sepulchre
Matt 28:1
There were three women who came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:1
There were more than three women who came to the sepulchre
Luke 24:10

It was at sunrise when they came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:2
It was some time before sunrise when they came.
John 20:1

There were two angels seen by the women at the sepulchre, and they were standing up.
Luke 24:4
There was but one angel seen, and he was sitting down.
Matt 28:2,5

There were two angels seen within the sepulchre.
John 20:11,12
There was but one angel seen within the sepulchre
Mark 16:5

Christ was to be three days and three nights in the grave
Matt 12:40
Christ was but two days and two nights in the grave
Mark 15:25,42,44,45,46; 16:9>

Holy ghost bestowed at pentecost
Acts 1:8,5
Holy ghost bestowed before pentecost
John 20:22

The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go into Galilee
Matt 28:10
The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go tarry at Jerusalem
Luke 24:49

Jesus first appeared to the eleven disciples in a room at
Jerusalem
Luke 24:33,36,37/ John 20:19
Jesus first appeared to the eleven on a mountain in Galilee
Matt 28:16,17

Christ ascended from Mount Olivet
Acts 1:9,12
Christ ascended from Bethany
Luke 24:50,51

Paul's attendants heard the miraculous voice, and stood
speechless
Acts 9:7
Paul's attendants heard not the voice and were prostrate
Acts 26:14


Worldly prosperity a reward of righteousness and a blessing
Mark 10:29,30/ Ps 37:25/ Ps 112:1,3/ Job 22:23,24/ Prov 15:6
Worldly prosperity a curse and a bar to future reward
Luke 6:20,24/ Matt 6:19,21/ Luke 16:22/ Matt 19:24/


The Christian yoke is easy
Matt 11:28,29,30
The Christian yoke is not easy
John 16:33/ 2 Tim 3:12/ Heb 12:6,

And it was in the third hour, and they crucified him.
- Mark 25:3-4
And it was the preparation of the passover, and about the sixth hour; and he saith unto the Jews, behold your king... Shall I crucify your king?
- John 19:14-15